Last night I cooked dinner for the first time since Mark’s death. Before yesterday we ate whenever we felt like it; we did not eat as a family. In many ways our meal was not much different from the table gatherings this summer. Mark occasionally sat with us as a family but most of the time he did not have the stamina required to engage the children in conversation. Eventually he stopped sitting down with us or maybe we quit eating together.

No one sat in Mark’s place. I must have expelled one of my heavier sighs for Michael immediately commented on the weirdness of our dinner. Matthew acknowledged that someone was missing. I wanted to scream not someone, but Daddy. Christine prefers not to talk about Mark at all.

The children deal with grief very differently from me. Their lives have moved forward yet mine has ground to a halt. As a pastor I remember Mark saying that when one loses a parent, one has lost the past. When one loses a child, one has lost the future. And, when one loses a spouse, one has lost the present. My present days feel lost in brokenness. Christine thinks I am depressing, for my tears begin without warning. Matthew fears my tears. I had to explain to Matthew that Mommy cries because she misses Daddy very much. He may feel momentary sadness when looking at Mark’s picture but the loss does not consume his entire thinking. The younger the child the greater their difficulty in understanding my grief. Thankfully, they do understand the power of their hugs. They pour out blessings upon me daily.

I continue to thank the Lord for your encouragement. You have called. You have sent notes. You have kept me in the daily routines of life. Most of all I thank the Lord for your prayers for He has set my lost foot toward the path of righteousness.

The children and I have experienced a good day. After making an early run to Walmart, a physical exhaustion beset me and I ended up taking a nap on the couch. Maybe it was the fog I parted as I walked down the aisles of the store. The density of the haze would cause me to mentally stumble and forget my purpose for shopping. Napping on the couch momentarily cleared the haze. Unfortunately, when I awake the pall settled back in again.

I found today’s imagined fears not nearly as bad as the reality. A list of seven activities occupied my mind enough to get me through the afternoon…courthouse for car registration, pick up watch, get prescription from pharmacy etc… By the time I finished my errands the kids had come in from school.

Jerry stopped by the house this evening to drop off a pair of pants for Michael. I think Matthew surprised both of us by asking him to stay a few minutes. Matthew handed him his work from academic team and asked Jerry to quiz him from a list of 45 entries. Neither could see the tears well up in my eyes. Mark has given Matt a good fatherly foundation and Matthew intuitively understands the measure of a good mentor.

Thank you all for your encouragement and your prayers. I have made it through another day, one step at a time.

12:30 am

“But I want you to know brethren that the things which happened to me have actually turned out for the furtherance of the gospel.” Philippians 1:12

Many a night as I lay on the couch in Mark’s hospital room tears would run over the bridge of my nose and drip onto my pillow. I think back to one particularily difficult night when Mark awakened me several times to use the urinal. By the time Mark settled down to finally rest, dawn was beginning to break through to another day. Curling into a fetal position my entire body grew limp from shear exhaustion. My heart cried out to the Lord. Immediately a warm pressure enveloped my body as if someone held me from all sides. My tears subsided. I drifted off to sleep. The Lord continues to comfort me in my hours of need. That HE holds me through the night, I have no doubt.

Mark’s funeral went beautifully. He would have been pleased. The hairs on my arm literally raised as several hundred voices lifted in praise to the Lord with “And Can It Be.” I reached down to grasp the edge of the pew in the event my body had acquired levitating abilities.

I have grown too tired to finish. Even my written words tonight have required great effort. Thank you all for your support, your shared memories and your love. My life is easier because of Christ’s love shown through you.