Last night I cooked dinner for the first time since Mark’s death. Before yesterday we ate whenever we felt like it; we did not eat as a family. In many ways our meal was not much different from the table gatherings this summer. Mark occasionally sat with us as a family but most of the time he did not have the stamina required to engage the children in conversation. Eventually he stopped sitting down with us or maybe we quit eating together.
No one sat in Mark’s place. I must have expelled one of my heavier sighs for Michael immediately commented on the weirdness of our dinner. Matthew acknowledged that someone was missing. I wanted to scream not someone, but Daddy. Christine prefers not to talk about Mark at all.
The children deal with grief very differently from me. Their lives have moved forward yet mine has ground to a halt. As a pastor I remember Mark saying that when one loses a parent, one has lost the past. When one loses a child, one has lost the future. And, when one loses a spouse, one has lost the present. My present days feel lost in brokenness. Christine thinks I am depressing, for my tears begin without warning. Matthew fears my tears. I had to explain to Matthew that Mommy cries because she misses Daddy very much. He may feel momentary sadness when looking at Mark’s picture but the loss does not consume his entire thinking. The younger the child the greater their difficulty in understanding my grief. Thankfully, they do understand the power of their hugs. They pour out blessings upon me daily.
I continue to thank the Lord for your encouragement. You have called. You have sent notes. You have kept me in the daily routines of life. Most of all I thank the Lord for your prayers for He has set my lost foot toward the path of righteousness.
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We all deal with grief in our own ways, and it is so hard for each of us to understand each other’s ways. When we lived in Ashland, I had a student killed by a hit and run driver. The remaining 25 students in my class had their own ways of dealing with this. Some cried a lot, some said nothing, and some even laughed and joked. Then, the ones that were crying got upset with the ones that were laughing, and so on and so on…As their teacher I tried to keep them on track so that we did not become consumed with this child’s death, but it was hard as I was grieving myself. You are somewhat in a similar situation. You are now the rock for your children even though you feel like sand. Hold fast. Hang on. God is with you. We love you and continue to pray for you♥
I have written only a couple of times but felt the need to just say how sorry I am for your loss. My husband, Gene, and I knew Mark from his time at Park UMC in Lexington. I have been checking the web site daily for a writing and am glad you wrote today. You and your family have become a huge part of our life over the time that Mark has been fighting Cancer. Your writings are a blessing to us in knowing how Mark was doing and how you and the family are doing. I hope the writing for you is not something that is too terribly difficult because it is such a blessing for us and others to read. You are such a powerful witness with the amazing courage that you have shown in all of this with God’s grace and strength. Thanks for sharing the inner most part of your lives with us and we will continue to pray for you and the kids in this very difficult time. I know your writings could help others who are going or will go through a similar experience in their lives. I pray you will publish them at some time. I think it is part of God’s amazing plan to keep Mark’s witness alive, through his, yours, and your children’s writings, on this web site over the past years. God bless you and keep you in the comfort of His arms as you try to get through each day. I can’t say I know how you feel because I have not experienced what you have, but I do know that myself and all who have read and lived this with you through the web site grieve for your pain and your loss. Thank you again for sharing with us in such a powerful and amazing way!
Julie, you are in my prayers tonight. Thanks for sharing your thoughts and your heartaches with me Friday. I will be here when you need me. Love Patsy
Have thought of you often this weekend-understanding your haze and knowing that no one can make this time easier for you. I remember those times when I would start crying unexpectedly and Rebecca would just bring me tissues, hand them to me and continue doing whatever she was doing. That was in a sense comforting to me. We all experience it in different ways.
We remember you daily in our prayers. There are no magic words and no way for us to truly understand your grief. It is unique to you and your relationship with the one you love. May the everlasting arms of our Father embrace and uphold you as you begin each day. Trust. Much love, Betty & Wayne
Julie,
I think of you every day and every night-usually when I am missing my evening chats with Arnie; I think of you and pray for you because I know I am not the only one hurting and longing to talk to someone they miss. Carmen is like Matt when she sees me crying but usually she joins in with me and I end up feeling bad because I upset her. I know God is carrying us through this. I enjoy your posting and am so glad you keep us updated.
Evelyn
Dear Julie,
I understand…………and I love you.
Julie, it is on those days that seem so bleak, unwrap a memory like a choice piece of candy and savor the moment. I remember that Mark could say more with a glance than he could sometimes with words. I had the womens sewing club hem up some pants for me and I had kept them at the church far to long. As I entered the hallway with a couple of individuals I was not familiar, a woman came out in the hallway and speaking loudly said, John I found your pants in my office. I’ll bring them to you. Both guests looked at me as my face turned red and Mark gave me a mischievous grin an raised his eyebrow as if to say “shame on you.”. I turned to him and said cut it out. And he’s like what, I didn’t say anything? Mark loved to raz me when he could get away with it.
I cannot dwell on what I lost, I can only thank God for what I gained in having Mark as a dear friend. You and the kids will forever be interwined with our family and we consider it a gift to have you in our lives from now until the Lord comes.
Dear Julie,
Tears relieve the grief, the sorrow. Sometimes they just make me feel so much better to let them flow. After loosing Johnny, my dear brother, one of the hardest losses in my life, I thought I would die I guess one would say. I wrote my thoughts forever in books. Made myself go on a vacation I had planned and my list could go on. I think my husband and my children thought I would loose my mind. No, I did not. Yes, there are days I laugh about him and sometimes those tears crept back into my eyes. He was and will always be the life of our party. Today, our parties go on yes with a little less laughter but the love of Johnny is with me every day of my life. Julie we continue to pray for you and your children. Mark was an asset in all of our lives. We value his friendship, his love for all of the Faulkners, his voice, those songs he sung, his words of wisdom, his teachings, and my list could gp on. Forever, Mark will have a place in all of our hearts. As a 16 yr. old who lost her mother to colon cancer, I felt like I had to watch out for my siblings and take care of them. Somehow, Julie, I stepped into the mother roll and I think throughout my life felt almost like a mother to the other siblings. Even to this day, I want my brother and sister to always be ok. Children deal with their losses diffrent. I know we did after loosing our mother. My brother was 12 years old. Julie, if you need anything, please give us a call or email. Continous prayers always.
Love Always
The Faulkners
Julie, I completely understand your feelings. After Archie’s death, I felt totaly consumed by the loss of a spouse. Terri and Eddie were heart broken but they were able to go on with their lives in much the same way as before, however, with me I was completely lost. I would cry just looking at my wedding rings on my left hand. Even when I was finally able to go back to work, I would just start crying in the middle of doing some important task. When that happend, I would have to leave my desk and go outside and take a walk just to get my composure back to reality. Thankfully, I had a very compasionate supervisor who was able to help me through this most difficult time. My prayers are with you every day and if you ever feel the need to talk to me please call. Love you,
Mary Lou
Julie, I have thought of your and the children often the past few days. I’m praying for comfort and peace in the days ahead. I know its hard to move on into the future, but we have to take one step at a time until we feel like walking. I know your duties as a mother keep you busy. Can you take some time to just rest? – I think you need to if you can. Blessings on all of you. Know we have not forgotten you!
We have been thinking of you and praying for your family. You were such a trooper caring for Mark and your family during all these months. We hope you are getting some much needed rest and time to just deal with your grief. When you have rested, I hope you will be able to do with your family some memory building as Mark did in the time he had after his diagnosis. I really admired him for doing that because now along with the pain of loss and sickness, you have the memories that you created together. I can’t forget the picture of “Miricle on 34th Street” Living 4 1/2 years after a diagnosis of stage IV colon cancer really is a miricle. And being able to participate in Mark,Jr. and Randee’s wedding and giving you a standing ovation at your graduation. The list of miricles goes on and on.
When you can, please make some more memories with your family. Already Mark,Jr. is married and Katie is off to college. It will only be a short time until Matt will be in college. I was thinking of smores today. How about taking sleeping bags and camp in at Mark,Jr. and Randee’s appartment one weekend. How many people can share one bathroom? Indoor smores! There are two ways of making them: put marshmellows on a fork and hold them over the stove burner or put one on half a cracker and pop it in the microwave. After you have a good laugh about just how big a marshmellow can get in the microwave, you will discover that they don’t make good smores if you nuke them that long. About double is size is about right.
Ky has a lot of state parks with a lot of history and their rates are low during the off season. Have you and the kids seen Carter Caves. I still remember going there about 50 years ago. Cumberland falls is now the only place in the world where you can see a Moonbow. But you have to go on a night in January or February when the sky is clear and there is a full moon. It is also beautiful in the daylight. There is a second falls called Eagle Falls off a trail on the south side of the bridge.
Have your kids been to Mammouth Cave? You have to make reservations ahead now to take tours of the caves.
Hey, I bet there are people in the walzhope family who would love to host you and the kids for a weekend. I know you said hospitality was not your strong point, but it might be someone else’s and you could enjoy sharing pictures and memories while you make more.
Gee whiz, I am just full of iedas today. I just wanted to let you know you are loved and being prayed for all the time. And you are greatly admired for all you have done and continue to do.
I’ve thought about you ALL day. Today was incredibly difficult. It was communion Sunday at church. They sang “you are my all in all”. I closed my eyes and pretended I was on the platform at First Church, microphone in hand, singing that song with Mark. In my mind’s eye, I could see him, eyes closed, right hand open and gesturing as he sang “Jesus, lamb of God, worthy is your name.” I could hear his voice clearly in memory and the fear set in that there would be a day that I will struggle to remember the sound of him singing. As Sandy served communion, I kept my head down so I couldn’t see his face. I wanted so desperately for him to be Mark that I couldn’t look at him. Ironically, he laid his hand upon my shoulder as he stated, “the blood of Christ shed for you,” much as Mark has done in the past. My heart sank within me.
At the end of the service, “How Great is Our God” rang out in the sanctuary and my heart carried me back to the last, amazing trip we had to Ichthus after Annual Conference. As Chris Tomlin sang that night, I had a series of the most incredible experiences with God. It was one of those nights where God just sort of shows off; one of those nights where you realize just how much effort He will go to just to prove His love. At one point in the evening, in a rare moment of weakness, Mark and I stood there in the heat of the summer evening, locked in an embrace and I held him as tightly as I could while he cried. He said to me, “I’m scared.” Moments later, in true Mark fashion, he was praying for healing for a total stranger as Chris Tomlin sang, “How Great is Our God.” He never ceased to amaze me at the compassion he had for the ailments and fears of others when he stood, daily, in a place where most of us would be crushed under the weight of all of it.
The gravity of what has taken place – of what we have lost – came home today. The absence is overwhelming. Even so, right now, Mac Powell is singing “Cry Out to Jesus” on the Gospel music channel and I am reminded that this is only temporary. There is hope for the helpless, rest for the weary and love for the broken heart. There is grace and forgiveness, mercy and healing, He’ll meet you wherever you are. Tonight, I cry out to Jesus with thanksgiving, with a broken heart, and with a void only He can fill.
Yes, you are loved, thought of, and, most importantly, prayed for…and our prayers for you are many.
Dear Julie,
The loss of a loved one, be it in death or through a life changing event, is devastating. Your children each have their own way of coping at this time. Their resiliency is what will also help them grieve. Very present is their concern for you as they see how saddened you are. Trying to have dinner together, awkward as it may be due to Mark not being there in person, can become a time of healing. Perhaps talking about ‘Daddy’ and having the kind of conversations that once were part of the dinner feast will soon lead to laughter and joy at what you did have. (And while I’ve never met any of you, I do think there must be many wonderful past times to enjoy again even as new memories are made.)
I continue to pray that God will gently guide you through these days of sorrow. That knowing He is at your side and Mark is watching you from above will continue to give comfort. That you and the children will each continue to have patience with one another as you try to move forward with life.
Hugs,
Tori
Julie,
My family and I are praying for you and your family as you grieve
your great loss, Mark. It is not easy to journey on without Mark
but God will give you the guidance and comfort as you face each
day. My family and I understand about loss and grief and our
hearts are with you.
God bless,
Judy
Dear Julie,
I think of you this evening and I pray. I love you very much!
chris w
Thinking of you and your sweet family.
All our love in Christ…Howard and Kathy Johnson
Thinking of you at 0-dark-30….just so you know that people are still praying for you and are still walking with you on the rough road ahead.
We are walking with you and crying with you, Julie.
Love, Robert & Debbie
Julie,
I pray for you as you go through the day today. I hope that going back to work today will be an instrument that God uses to help make your life more bearable and in some way help to fill the emptiness you are feeling. You have so many friends praying for you and the kids. SO many lives have beeen touched through Walzhope that I don’t think it will ever be realized until we meet the Lord ourselves. God Bless you today.
Bless you, precious one. This was no doubt Mark’s greatest fear in dying. You hurt so badly. No one can completely understand how you feel or what you have been through. Not only do you feel the emptiness of losing your heart’s soul mate but, for years, your life has been consumed with caring for him. It must feel like the bottom has dropped out. We are praying. Please let us know if we can help in any other way. We love you and we love Mark. … r&b
Julie Dear:
We pray that your day went well. You and your precious children are continually in our thoughts and prayers. Take care of yourself and know that you have many friends who are lifting you up in prayer for peace and comfort.
Love,
Frank and Idella
Dear Julie,
I am so happy to learn that you and Bonita finally met yesterday! How blessed the high school is to have both of you on staff! Undoubtedly, you have many, many friends. However, I believe you will soon treasure a new friendship with Bonita. She is awesome; my family is always telling Chuck that marrying her is the best thing he ever did!
I envy her that she has the opportunity to work with you. As much as my life has been touched by your words, I can only imagine what a gift it is to know you personally.
Julie, my heart broke (again!) as I read your 09/05/09 blog. Mark’s words about the death of parents, children, and spouses are so true and I can’t begin to imagine the emptiness you feel. I do want to tell you that I appreciate that you realize and accept that everyone deals with a death differently. While it might be worrisome or at times, possibly even frustrating, to see how your children deal with the loss of their father, I sense that you do not belittle them. When my father died in 1985, I had been married for two years but I was still very young (21) and very much a “daddy’s girl”. In many ways, I felt like my world turned upside down. I recall one day sitting alone on the front porch of my parents’ house while I had a meltdown. My mother came to me and told me that I had to quit crying because I had to be strong for her. That statement haunts me even 24 years later. I should acknowledge that my mom is a wonderful, loving, Christian woman who would never intentionally hurt me. However, I believe her telling me that I had to stop crying was wrong and harmful. I think everyone should be allowed to grieve as needed and tears can be so cleansing for some. I appreciate that you don’t hide your tears from your children. My personal opinion is that you don’t have to always be strong for your children nor do they have to always be strong for you. I think families should just be there for each other, without demands or expectations, loving each other through the difficult days (or hours or minutes). You’re right; hugs are wonderful!! The purpose in my writing all of this is to again tell you that I so admired the way you and Mark handled his illness from start to finish and how you openly and honestly shared your feelings and experiences with us via walzhope. I now respect you for sharing with us your honest feelings as you grieve the loss of your partner and work at bringing somewhat of a normalcy back to your family and home…and am mostly inspired that you continue to lean on our Father to hold you up.
I continue to pray for you and your children each day. I’m asking Bonita to give you a big hug for me!
In Christian love,
Betty
I pray that today was easier than yesterday and that tomorrow will be easier than today. Thinking about you and the kids all the time.
Love you!
Just read your post. Can’t imagine your grief but know it is because you loved so much. You are in my prayers.
Marty
Julie,
I’m thinking of and praying for you & the kids always. I sometimes wonder why God gives us these tender hearts to love so deeply, and then to have to say goodbye. I guess the love we feel here is only a taste of what we will feel with Him
and our loved ones in Heaven.
I can’t imagine the struggles you are going through, just take one day at a time and remember all those who love you and are praying for you.
Call me if you need anything (and I mean it)
Love to you all.
Jan
Julie it helps to hold his pillow at night,it is a comfort and soaks up your tears.Nights were worse for me. We all will not forget you, Love,Forest Rose
Dear Julie,
As usual, Mark had it right on the “mark” when he said, “when one loses a spouse”. The song, “Walk a Mile in My Shoes” (you’re too young to know this) always comes to mind…one has to be there to understand.
Makes one wonder, how those that do not know our Lord and Saviour ever get through. Thank God Almighty, He is always there at the beginning, middle and the end of the minute, hour, day, night…
Praying the peace that passes all understanding, the grace and love of our Heavenly Father thru our Lord Jesus Christ abide in you and yours forever more.
Love & Prayers always
P.S. I miss you not journaling.
Dear Julie,
Thinking a lot about you. Hoping and praying that you are coping better with each passing day…because trying to cope is all you and the children can do. That and to always remember that God is there at your side along with the prayers of so many who truly care about you.
hugs,
Tori
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