As the better part of the day wanes, I realize the necessity of posting today’s message in a timely manner. The sun sets and the blanketing darkness almost smothers me. I remember as a child crawling under the covers toward the bedrail. Brief panic ensued, yet I always managed to find my way from under the bedspread. With the dawning of each new day, I push aside the nighttime panic and wrestle with the smothering covers. Sometimes I feel panic as awareness of my family’s stability rests upon my shoulders alone. Fear, unchecked, overwhelms the soul.
Ever change a light bulb? Not a difficult undertaking, right. I have two lights out in my bedroom and another bulb blown in my bathroom. In twenty-two years of marriage I have replaced many bulbs but for some reason I cannot get myself to fix those bulbs. Mark would never have tolerated a burned light bulb. Maybe the dimness of the room suits my mood a little. Maybe, in the light (pun intended) of our struggles, the replacing of light bulbs represents triviality. Maybe, it’s because Mark always took pride in replacing the bulbs and my replacing them represents another loss. (I must have hit a nerve; a lone tear escapes.)
I knew today would be difficult. Mark has slept the entire day only to arise twice to go to the bathroom. Katie and I selfishly woke him occasionally to hear his voice. With slurred speech he spoke words of love to me and then again to each of the children after school. We have endured days like this before today, days when sleep overcomes his will. We take one day at a time.
Thank you for your continued encouragement. Be assured I read every post and draw such comfort from your words of support and love.
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life can be overwhelming, and I know that you are feeling it now, and have been for some time. Its getting ready to storm here in Indiana. I hear the windchimes outside my window. Even though storms are scary for some, with the sunrise comes a new day, and new peace that the storm is over. I pray that with each storm you and your family go through, that you KNOW that there will be peace to follow, and a calmness that envelopes you and holds you tight.
I am praying for you tonight. I am praying for calmness and for light to shine without bulbs being in place but mostly I am praying for you to be held in the arms of our Saviour. You have a beautiful family that represents a great example of two people love. If there is ever a time you have a need I am always just a call away even if it’s to fix 3 light bulbs. Sometimes it’s not the jobs we so much need fixed as a hug and an I am here. So just remember you always have alot of people praying and thinking about how happy they are God brought you and your family into their lives. Also congrats on the award that in itself is something to stick your chest out and say I did it when the road was long and my heart was heavy I did it. I hope this brings a smile to a day that is slowing down.
Even in the midst of your deepest fears, always remember that God is at your side. Treasure the brief moments you have to yet again hear Mark speak of his love for you and the children.
Praying that you as well as Mark will have a restful and peaceful night.
hugs,
tori
Like many who post their love and comments, I cannot place my head on my pillow without seeking news on a family my wife and I love. No morning comes without a silent prayer passing our lips on its way to heaven on all your behalf. As much as your family is being crushed by the weight of this trial, the Lords’ Love can and will sustain you and give you the strength of a fighting army of angels. Despite our profound grief in the waning of Mark’s health, the gift of his humor, a powerful sermon, and the aroma of a gourmet meal will always bring a smile to our faces and a warmth to our heart and will sustain us on those days we cannot seem to take one more step. Good news…Jesus is coming again soon, very soon!
I read your post and was thinking about Mark sleeping. I know it is difficult to have him so quiet, but I’m sure he is dreaming about you and the children as his body rests. I hope you are able to get some rest and enjoy a little dreaming yourself. Sweet dreams until the morning light. You remain close in my thoughts and prayers.
Love, Nan
As I do each night, I will be holding you in prayer (my walzhope t-shirt lying at the end of my bed. I think fear comes in the darkness because the author of darkness is the author of fear.
Remember, night or day, our God says “Do not fear, for I am with you. Do not be dismayed, I AM your God. I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.” May the night seem brief and may you all feel the presence of our God and the army of angels who surround you.
Many years ago dear friends would feel the pain of grief most powerfully at night. Sometimes I would quietly drive over and just sit watching over their home and covering them with prayer. Though I’m on a mountaintop in North Georgia, in my heart, I’ll be sitting in your yard, praying peace upon your household.
Julie and Mark,
Your family has been in my prayers for a while now, and i will continue to do so.
I look for your entries every night to keep up with updates that you so dearly post for us to read.
I know i have said this a many time, but Mark has been such a strong man. Think of while he is sleeping, he is regaining the strength to live another day. God Bless, and Take Care, i will be praying for you, tonight, tomorrow night, and thereafter. Much love <3
I am praying for you all as I do throughout each day,, and throughout sleepless or restless nights as my heart aches for what you are experiencing. I think back to when I first met you at the library Julie. I was so impressed with you and the kids then,and over the years that impression of your family grew to total admiration. I now stand in complete awe of you and am so very humbled to count myself as one of your friends.
Before I lie down…. I must check..!… you have no idea the strength you have….. I am amazed each time I read your post….. Julie it has to be the toughest of the tough to sit and watch and feel so helpless….Allowing us into some of your more personal thoughts is allowing us to know what it is like…. your emotions. your apprehensions…. your worries…. We have learned so much what it is like to be a MOTHER. WIFE.. Teacher……. Student…… Nurse…… Caregiver…. and many more roles.. all @ the same time…… It must be just over whelming @ times…. slow down…. stepback.. take a deep breath… put your head under the cover…. have you a little panic attack if it will make you feel better…. YOU DESERVE IT !!! ” God Will Take Care of YOU” !! That song is in my mind tonight… I keep humming it…… IT is for you.
Lord “please let Julie rest well tonight: !
I pray for you tonight after reading your post and am reminded of the promise… “I will never leave you or forsake you”. As you sleep and sometimes remain awake, may you feel His every loving presence more and more each day. I continue to pray for you, Mark, and your precious family.
Julie, you too are tired from all the work on your degree and travel to Georgetown and the worry over Mark making the trip. He is only resting so he will be stronger. Do not think of changing light bulbs as another loss. Think of it as a way to show yourself and Mark that you can with God’s help take care of yourself and the family. When you have rested then tackle those old bulbs and think of Mark giving you another standing ovation. He is proud of every accomplishment you make, even the trivial ones. It is easy to let the little things slide when you are dealing with such lifechanging decisions and with the care of your beloved. It is also okay. But you will feel better if you do not let a long list of chores pile up. Chores around the house do not all have to be done by you personally. Allow your children and your friends to help. I know that you don’t want to miss a single word that Mark utters or a single need that he has, so do please allow others the privledge of serving you as you spend time with Mark and the children. So many people in the Pikeville area really want to help. We would want to also if we lived there. Your children also need to have a part in helping care of their father as I know they have been doing. It is a comfort later to know that you have done all that you could. Your faith and that of your children have been an inspiration to so many people including us. We will continue to pray for you all as will so many others. May God grant you a peaceful rest and a joyous day of “I love you” spoken with a smile.
Julie,
Your strength and your love have become baselines for me of what God expects and can provide. There are many of us in your Ashland church loving you and praying for you every day. Bob
As you know I am Mark Jr. and Randee’s pastor. We have never meet but I know Mark from our Asbury connection as well as being a UM pastor. I want you to know I read your post every day as apart of my devotion time and you have quickly become one of my heroes. Your love of God and family has encouraged me so much. Also know you are being prayed for daily by me as well as the folks here at Grassland. We love Mark and Randee so much and are so thankful that they are apart of our lives. Stay strong and know that God is Good all the time and nothing can ever change that.
Worship Him,
David Herndon
I am a new teacher and basketball coach here at Pike Central and have heard about your story. I read every email you send and each new post. I dont know you guys but I would just like to say I wish your family the best and can’t imagine what your going through. I’ll pray for your family.
Justin Amburgey
Loneliness is difficult. Steve and I both know this only in different realms. Steve’s Carol died suddenly with no time for good-byes-treasure them. Russ left because he wanted to not because he had no choice. Mark doesn’t have a choice, because we know what that would be. I say this to let you know that your feelings are not unusual, nor should you feel weak in having them. Life is someimes difficult for us, but God is ALWAYS with us. As I tell Lily and Bella, Gran loves you always, no matter what. God does, too. You are constantly in our prayers and on our hearts. We love you. Hang on!
Julie,
I’m sure you don’t know me or my husband, George, but we pray for Mark, and you and your family daily. Mark was in our lives long before you became part of it. We celebrated our 24th wedding anniversary yesterday. Mark was the officiating pastor for it. On a whim, we pulled out the old 8mm movie my dad had made of the ceremony. It has been transferred to a vhs tape now, but still has all the shakiness only a movie like that can have, and no sound. It was a small outdoor wedding on my family’s farm. In the first frame, there was Mark, looking so young and so handsome, waiting in front of the grapevines for us. I did not know him well, but George did. Mark was the youth pastor (or assistant pastor – I don’t remember for sure) at Park United Methodist Church in Lexington, Ky at the time but George knew him mainly from the church softball team. According to George, he was a great player as well as a genuinelly nice guy. George recalls once when he “almost” made a spectacular catch. When he came in from the outfield, it was Mark who slapped him on the back and praised his efforts. It was Mark who had noticed the nearly impossible, “almost” spectacular catch. That was the kind of man Mark was – always there to pump you up. Anyway, Mark performed a beautiful ceremony for us that day 24 years ago at my Dad’s farm. And he never totally lost touch with George’s family over the years. He was there at visitation when George’s dad died. And he was there again when his sister, Lura, died of cancer several years later. We will always be thankful for the part he’s played in our lives, Julie, and we will continue to keep him in our prayers.
Ellen Hieronymus
You, Mark and your family remain in our daily prayers. Your post has meant a lot to our family – we check it daily and your family has become a daily topic at our house. You have all been so encouraging and inspiring to our family. We have learned to not take each other for granted and to always let each other know how much we truly mean to each other (we have always tried to do this but we let our busy lives get in the way sometimes). Thank you Walz family for posting you most personal thoughts and experiences. We are praying for you all!
Julie, Your postings are words of inspiration and testimony to your faith and love for Mark and the Lord. Thank you for taking time in all your pain and exhaustion to touch us with them daily. Our hearts reach out to you in compassion and love. Just as Mark sang the Lords Prayer at our wedding in June of 1983 at Park UMC, we sing prayers of comfort and strength for Mark, you, and the family at this time in our hearts. You would not want to hear us sing! We don’t have the gift that Mark has. We pray for God’s blessings and joy even in this time of horrible pain and uncertainty.
Hello Mark and Julie,
I went to high school with Mark. I found out about his condition just a few days ago when I recieved and e-mail from a classmate. I did not know Mark as an adult, but after reading your web site it is apparent that he is a wonderful father, husband and pastor and that he has touched many lives. What a great legacy for your family!
Julie, like everyone else who loves your family, I fall asleep praying for all of you. With each one, I see their face in my mind as I pray for them. Not only their face, but what I love about each one of you. For Mark, you, Mark Dixon, Randee, Katie, Michael, Christine and Matt are always in our hearts and in our prayers.
Peace and hope and always love.
Julie,
You are sharing such precious insights about life, love and death with all of us. Praise God for the wisdom of your writing! Through tears I thank you for thoughts. God is using you to richly bless those of us who read your writing. I pray for Him to continue to hold you all close and show you His greatness.
Jules: Our heart breaks a million times a day. You and Mark are in our every waking hour. It’s comforting, even for your friends, to know you are loved so much by so many people. I know you can feel the Body of Christ all around you as you continue to walk this path with Mark to glory.
Mark Dickinson preached a sermon that he entitled, “The Heart of the Matter is a Matter of the Heart”. Two of the scriptures he used became very personal to me, and I thought of Mark, too. “For the eyes of the Lord search back and forth across the whole earth (doing a heart search), looking for people whose hearts are perfect toward Him, so He can show His great power in helping them. 2 Chronicles 16:9. The other verse that hit home for me, for Mark and for all of us is this: “For when David had served God’s purpose in his generation, he died.” Acts 16:36.
I know God has searched Mark’s heart and found it perfect toward Him, and He has shown His great power through Mark’s illness, through your response to Mark’s illness and through the many wonders of the past 5 years. When Mark has fully served God’s purpose, and oh how he has continued to serve His purpose for so, so many months, he will go home. How envious we all should be of Mark’s peace and his certainty of rushing into the arms of God with our purpose fulfilled.
Words are still not easy, but the Truth of our purpose fullfilled and its untilnmate reward will stand the test of eternity. As Mark’s body continues to fail him, even now the angels, with Jesus and our Father are excited and planning the ultimate bash for his homecoming! I pray we’re all ready for the sadness and the loss, but also for the celebration. To not celebrate his homecoming would be to not honor his life, his purpose fulfilled and his resurrection. You are loved so much! -Jerry & Traci
Mark and Julie, I search for words that will comfort you and can only turn to the Bible. In Psalm 27 David said, “Wait on the Lord, be of good courage, and He shall strengthen thine heart. Wait, I say, on the Lord…Be of good courage, and He shall strengthen your heart, all ye that hope in the Lord.”
Julie,
After reading your post I could visualize hundreds of people standing on your front lawn, each holding 3 lightbulbs. Each of us wanting to do whatever we could to ease your load. Like the others, I check every day for your posts. Sometimes scrolling down ever so slowly, hesitanly peeking at the words and searching for more awesome days. Thank you for sharing with us. You have blessed each of us with a little of your days and nights. I can’t imagine any stronger shoulders than yours for your children, and of course the stronget shoulders of all holding all of you. Love to all of you. Teresa and Bennett
Dear Julie,
Last Friday morning, I received a message from my son’s girlfriend, Becca (who works at and loves Aldersgate), asking me to pray for Mark and your family. She gave me the link for your website. Upon going to it, I saw that your family resides in Pikeville. My brother, Chuck, is the pastor at First Christian in Pikeville. I checked with him to see if he knew Mark. He told me that he’d not met him personally but that the church congregation had been praying for you all for a long while. He then went on to tell me that my sister-in-law, Bonita, would be teaching across the hall from you at the high school! I just thought it was so ironic that I was hearing so much about the Walz family in one day, so I decided I wanted to learn more of your story. Believe it or not, I started with the very first journal entry made in April of ‘05 and read every single entry. It took me all afternoon and evening to do so but I couldn’t stop reading! I cannot begin to tell you how much the love you all have for God and for each other touches me!! Your faith is so, so inspiring! My heart breaks for what you all have been through and especially for what you are facing now. In many of Mark’s entries, he felt so certain that God had special plans for him even after resigning from his church. Please know that God HAS used and is using Mark…and you…to teach so, so many people about love and faith. I had written to Becca that I knew it had to be a huge blessing to know your family personally. I can also say it’s been a very big blessing to come to “know” you via this website. Bonita informed me a few minutes ago about the encouraging e-mail she received from you! We are both in awe of your kindness to her while you are dealing with so much right now. Please know that my thoughts and prayers are with you, Mark, and your children. I hope I’m fortunate enough to meet you in person someday. Friends in Christ, Betty ~ p.s. Congrats on your graduation from Georgetown! My son is a junior there, so I’m a big fan!
Julie,
I hope you know, from reading all of these comments every day, that you and Mark have touched so many lives. Friends, family and strangers are inspired, in awe and enlightened by Mark’s journey since his diagnosis, and your willingness to share it with all of us.
I know your heart is heavy but yet you write with a gossamer peace. It surely is tinged with sadness and anxiety but it is also apparent that deep in your heart you know God is with you and your family, and will still be there when Mark is with Him.
In such a tumultuous and violent time in the world and in our country, your story of true love and unending faith has been an extraordinary gift to everyone. It has reminded many of us what is truly precious and everlasting.
God bless each of you for your faithfulness, for your incredible testament to His love and glory, and for Mark’s commitment to God through the end, which as we all know, is certainly and simply the beginning of a serene and joyous eternity for Mark.
You are all in my prayers.
~ Cristina
Think of all that Mark has gone through . . .; but, think more about what is about to happen to your loved one. He will take his first breath to find it celestial. He will open his eyes to find everything heavenly. He will hear music that he will discover is by choir of the angelic host! He will see that great host of onlookers cheering him as he joyfully is given the prize for those faithful who endure to the end. Mark will be introduced to his family who have preceeded him, his spiritual mentors, the authors of his favorite books of the Bible, the highest of the angelic order, and THE GODHEAD!!!!!!! Time will have no restriction or limitations here, so as soon as you say good-by; it will seem it’s time to say hello. And … you will know that he is a part of thet great cloud of witnesses saying “That one is MY wife, that one is MY child, that one is MY close friend, that one is one who was MY payer partner, and that one is one I HAD THE PRIVILEGE of helping find their Lord!
You will discover all the harshness of losing someone in earth to death–for earth shows little of heaven’s compassion or Christ’s sacrificial love, but Mark will be cheering you on from the Church Victorious!
Mark is at his weakest and most frail now; soon he will be be remade into the stronger of God’s faithfull. This just has to happen when you look
into the eyes of God and see your own reflection in a way that you’ve never quite seen before.
I was reared by a Christian widow whose family beat her and me. In the midst of the devil himself appearing in the personality and actions of her children,she would say “Bring on your worst, I’m praying for God to follow you like a coon hound … until you are saved! Her Bible was tear stained, her arms were bruised and broken, but she still prayed for her children’s salvation. I wish that she had met someone like Mark to see that glint of God’s prevenient grace in loved-ones! Why — because that’s what Mark is all about. You wil be meeting people for the rest of your lives that Mark has opened blind eyes to God. You truly will meet those that Mark has been the instrument for healing and showing the way to eternal life. WHAT A LEGACY!!!
Just as Mark is held in God’s heart, you are held in Mark’s; and that means, you’re held in God’s heart also. WHAT A WONDERFUL INHERITANCE!!!
One step at a time; one day at a time; one soul at a time; is the way we must live until Jesus comes!
By now, you are aware that I am brain-damaged and crippled … but I refuse to give up; come join me in these days that seem to be shorter all the time for Christ’s return. Refuse to give up! I plant flowers and mow the yard until some nice person requires me to let them mow for me–and, that’s wonderful, because I am able to tell them about my and Mark’s Jesus. It takes me six days to completely mow my small estate; so far I have planted a multitude of seeds for Jesus Christ.
So, you in your weakest moments –now– are able to plant seeds even in your Christian tears. Stand on the Word and let God left you up on eagle’s wings when you just can’t go on. There is nowhere that forbids your tears, and there is nowhere that forbids your smiles, joy, and victorious happiness.
-Bob
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